Dragon Voice Forum > General Discussion > Time off - awesome freshy jokes!

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Time off - awesome freshy jokes!  Reply with quote  

Some time off:)

Why it is good to be a man?

1 . Your ass is never a factor in a job interview .
2 . Your orgasms are real . Always .
3 . Your last name stays put .
4 . The garage is all yours .
5 . Wedding plans take care of themselves .
6 . You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid .
7 . Car mechanics tell you the truth .
8 . You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut .
9 . Hot wax never comes near your pubic area .
10 . Same work . . . more pay .
11 . Wrinkles-add character .
12 . You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments .
13 . Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100 .
14 . If you retain water, it's in a canteen .
15 . People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them .
16 . New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet .
17 . One mood, ALL the damn time .
18 . Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds .
19 . A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase .
20 . You can open all your own jars .
26 . You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me . " .
27 . No maxi-pads .
28 . If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends .
29 . You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors .
30 . You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt .
31 . You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes .
32 . The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades .
33 . Your belly usually hides your big hips .

Some funny Questions and Answers .

1 . Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted .

2 . Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women . "

3 . Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One . . . men will screw anything .

4 . Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner .

5 . Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know ... it's never happened.

6 . Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum .

7 . Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E . T . phoned home .

8 . Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better .

9 . Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1 . No mind . 2 . No business .

10 . Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay .

11 . Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends .

12 . Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable . " .

13 . Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it . " .
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?" .

Some major funny ifs .

1 . If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
2 . How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
3 . Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
4 . Why is abbreviation such a long word?
5 . Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
6 . Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.".
7 . Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
8 . Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
9 . Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
10 . If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
11 . If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
12 . If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
13 . Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
14 . Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
15 . You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
16 . Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

About Wifes .

1 . I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back .
2 . My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last . Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food . . . She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays .
3 . Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it . The thief spends less than my wife did .
4 . She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker . Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair .
5 . My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street . The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!" .
6 . She got a mudpack and looked great for two days . Then the mud fell off .
7 . She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!" .

Blonde one liners . . .

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that . . . . . . . . . . .
1 . she called me to get my phone number .
2 . she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate . " .
3 . she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind .
4 . she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order .
5 . she sent me a fax with a stamp on it .
6 . she tried to drown a fish .
7 . she thought a quarterback was a refund .
8 . she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death .
9 . she tripped over a cordless phone .
10 . she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept .
11 . she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

Did you like it? Well I did a lot

Ultra fast forum hoster with PageRank4

Post Wed 06 Sep, 2006 08:42 PM   
The Unbeatable Moderator

Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 128
Location: United States
Re: Time off - awesome freshy jokes!  Reply with quote  

hahah these are funny ^^ thanks for sharing
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Post Fri 19 Jan, 2007 01:41 AM   View user's profile Send private message  

Re: Time off - awesome freshy jokes!  Reply with quote  

Lol. I'll post up my favorite jokes.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: ... PRICELESS!


Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."


Post Thu 01 Mar, 2007 04:59 AM   

Re: Time off - awesome freshy jokes!  Reply with quote  

What did God say after making men! **Hee, hee** That is so funny. Thanks I can't stop laughing

Post Sat 03 Mar, 2007 08:50 PM   
Morbid Dream

Re: Time off - awesome freshy jokes!  Reply with quote  

I like the joke about the golfers. That one was funny. ^^

Post Tue 06 Mar, 2007 04:45 PM   

Re: Time off - awesome freshy jokes!  Reply with quote  

Haha, that was an amusing read

Post Tue 06 Mar, 2007 06:52 PM   

knock knock..  Reply with quote  

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yoda who?
Yoda-lehihoo (yodel)

That was funny! I read it when i was in school, it was etched in one of the tables and i couldnt help but laugh

Post Fri 13 Apr, 2007 03:30 AM   
Mum's boy/girl

Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 7
Re: Time off - awesome freshy jokes!  Reply with quote  

So funny...I really liked them! Do you have any other joke? * Laughing *

Post Fri 13 Apr, 2007 11:24 PM   View user's profile Send private message  
Mum's boy/girl

Joined: 07 May 2012
Posts: 15
Re: Time off - awesome freshy jokes!  Reply with quote  

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Post Mon 07 May, 2012 11:10 AM   View user's profile Send private message  
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